Blame Shame Guilt.
Three states that are evolutionarily important and not toxic in themselves.
But, they are often manipulated in a profoundly toxic way.
In our society…
In our relationships…
Even in our own self-talk…
And because of the way that we feel under the emotional influence of these states, they are a powerful way to keep us under control and unwilling or unable to access our full potential to live in alignment with who we are.
They can even cause us to become ill.
How did this happen?
For most of us, our use of and responses to blame, shame and guilt are hardwired into our automatic, subconscious responses to life.
We have been conditioned to look for someone or something external to take responsibility for things that haven’t worked out in our lives.
And, we have been conditioned to internalise and hold on to our responses when others point the finger at us.
Or even when we point the finger at ourselves.
While growing up, almost everyone experienced being told things like:
“You should be ashamed of yourself.”
“You’re a bad boy/girl”
“Stop showing off”
“You were born a sinner!”
And, I’m sure you can recognise many more from your own childhood and later life.
These statements often weren’t expressed with malice.
They were usually a response by a parent, teacher or other authority figure in our lives, trying to impart what they believed to be right on us.
They had no idea of how it would be turned inwards and start to form or reinforce limiting beliefs, such as:
“I’m not good enough” (The global limiting belief that most people carry in some shape or form).
“I’m bad/wrong”
“I’m disgusting”
“I have to do what I’m told or I’ll be rejected”
And, of course, this didn’t start with us.
The blame shame guilt game has been going on for a long time. Certainly for many generations and probably since before recorded history.
So our parents and many generations of ancestors before went through this.
Both from their parents and from the authorities and institutions of their times.
It’s so wired in to our beliefs, behaviour patterns and collective consciousness, that it’s hard to break its grip on us.
But just because things have “always been that way”, doesn’t make it right.
I believe that the further we can go in breaking the hold that the blame shame guilt game has on us, the more deeply we can connect to who we truly are and live deeply fulfilling lives.
So, let’s break that spell!
This doesn’t mean that we need to be entirely free of blame, shame and guilt.
Like all emotions, even so called negative ones, they each have an important social and biological purpose.
So, let’s start by looking at what they are.
BLAME
There are times when someone or something else is responsible for (some of) the suffering of others.
Of course, it is important to take responsibility for your life. This doesn’t mean that you have to accept the new-cage babble that everything that happens to you is caused by you.
There are people, situations and other forces which cause harm without it being your fault and it’s healthy to express that.
However, it’s really important to also do whatever you can to resolve any emotional impact, such as anger, bitterness or resentment that you are holding against the object of your blame.
This can enable you to stop feeling like a victim of the situation and move on.
GUILT
This is the feeling that goes with the belief that you have done something wrong or are responsible for something bad happening.
Of course, there are valid reasons for feeling guilt, such as when you have violated objective morality and caused actual harm or loss to others, or broken an agreement that you had in place.
This is important in personal relationships and in society as a whole. It can support your empathy with others and encourage you to repair harm that you have caused.
However, guilt is also used by those that are seeking to impose an agenda which doesn’t align with objective morality.
For example, it is common for people to feel guilty when they don’t obey an authority figure.
Even if obeying them would contradict what they feel to be right.
SHAME
Unlike guilt, which is typically about actions that we have or have not taken, shame causes us to believe that we are inherently bad or wrong.
Shame can be seen to have an evolutionary origin, making us behave in ways that allow us to co-exist with others.
Unfortunately, we tend to hold onto shame and identify deeply with it. Especially if we felt it early in life, when we we too young to separate our feelings from our identity.
Which most of us did.
As mentioned above, the limiting beliefs such as “I’m not good enough, I’m bad, there’s something wrong with me” were often imprinted into our unconscious minds at a very early age.
This could be through being told outright that you were bad, stupid, naughty etc.
Or you might have taken it on in response to the way you were treated, without that being the intention of the ones that caused it.
Shame is often used to get people to conform to so called norms in society, even if those go against the individuals nature. It can cause us to hide who we really are for fear of being rejected or isolated.
Going along with the herd mentality, even if we have a different perspective.
For example, most people have been conditioned to feel shame if they have broken a law. Yet most people understand that there are many immoral laws in our society.
But the fear of shame is so powerful, it often causes people to obey, rather than follow their conscience.
This is a double bind, as it then leads to feelings of shame that you didn’t follow what you believed to be right.
How blame, shame and guilt are used to control us
Guilt and shame are deeply uncomfortable feelings, which most of us want to avoid.
Unfortunately, they are wired in to most of us. Most people will do all that they can to avoid being blamed or the feelings of guilt or shame that go with it.
Individuals and organisations seeking to maintain power or influence over others know this, and use it to their advantage.
Blaming someone or a group for a situation or problem is a great way of deflecting attention away from one’s own actions or decisions.
By placing the blame on others, the person or group in power avoids responsibility for any negative consequences of their actions.
Shame makes someone feel unworthy or inadequate. By shaming someone, you can manipulate them into behaving in a certain way or conforming to certain standards.
This is particularly effective if the person being shamed is already vulnerable or insecure.
Guilt can be used to make someone feel responsible for a problem or situation, even if they had no direct involvement in it.
By creating a sense of guilt, a person or group can manipulate someone into taking actions. Or making decisions that they would not otherwise choose.
In all three cases, blame, shame, and guilt can create a power imbalance between the person or group in control and the person being manipulated.
By making someone feel responsible for a problem or unworthy in some way, the manipulator exerts control over them and influences their behavior.
This has been happening at all levels of society for hundreds, or even thousands of years. It’s so endemic that it’s almost just seen as the state of what is.
And, these days, the messages of blame, shame and guilt are broadcast 24/7 via the media.
While this has made it harder to avoid, it has also made it so apparent, that people are becoming increasingly aware.
This makes it a potent time to explore and release the controlling impact of blame, shame and guilt.
If you are in any doubt that dark psychological practices are being used by institutions against the population, have a look at what the UK Behavioural Insights Team (aka the Nudge Unit) has been up to.
These are some of the most powerful weapons used by controllers to keep us divided and not reaching our full potential.
What happens when you free yourself from the toxic impact of blame, shame and guilt?
By releasing yourself from the toxic effects of blame, shame, and guilt, you open yourself up to a freer and more aligned of being. This gives you both greater responsibility and power to create a happy and fulfilling life.
Each of us has a unique path and the outcome of transforming blame, shame and guilt are almost infinite in their potential. Here are some ways in which your life might improve:
Increased self-esteem: Blame, shame, and guilt are damaging to your self-esteem, making you feel unworthy or inadequate. When you start to release yourself from them, you will start to build a more positive self-image and feel better about yourself. This is an upwards spiral as the more you act from this place of increased self-esteem, the greater it becomes.
Improved relationships: These states can deeply damage relationships, causing resentment and mistrust. When you free yourself, you can communicate more effectively and build healthier relationships in all areas of your life.
Greater fortitude: When you are chronically affected by blame, shame and guilt, it is incredibly hard to move on from negative experiences. When you move beyond them, you become more emotionally aware and better able to handle and respond to whatever life throws at you.
Learning to take charge: Rather than seeing yourself as a victim at the mercy of outside forces and unable to move on from other’s expectations or your past mistakes, you will realise that you can powerfully influence and take responsibility for living your life in a way that is right for you.
Increased happiness: Freeing yourself from the toxic effects of blame, shame, and guilt will lead to a greater sense of happiness and well-being. You can start to focus on the positive aspects of your life and feel more content with who you are and where you’re headed.
There are also many ways in which your physical health may improve.
For example, muscular skeletal issues such as chronic pain and arthritis all have a core theme of self-devaluation. Guilt and shame are major components of self-devaluation, so by releasing yourself from them, you will have the opportunity to heal.
Guilt and shame could also feature in conflicts around feeling attacked, persecuted or out of integrity.
An example of how this affects the physical body is acne, where the dermis (tougher skin layer) is thickening up to protect against the attack.
These are just a couple of examples of how blame, shame and guilt can affect you physically.
These states can be embroiled in just about any symptoms, as the symptoms themselves can even cause you to feel guilt or shame in some way.
I will explore health and how it relates to blame, shame and guilt more deeply in an upcoming article. However, if you want to find out more about this, then follow this link . It will take you to my page about Meta-Consciousness. This is how you can heal yourself through understanding the intelligent processes of your mind-body-psyche connection.
How to free yourself from the blame shame guilt game
Freeing yourself from the toxic effects of blame, shame and guilt may be a massive undertaking.
However, it will be some of the most profoundly life changing work you ever do.
It also doesn’t have to be done in one go.
Even in small shifts, amazing life changes can happen.
It also doesn’t mean that you are going to become a heartless, selfish bastard who only thinks about themselves without regard for the consequences for others.
You will still feel blame, shame and guilt at appropriate times, to guide your actions and impact on others.
However, you won’t be stuck there.
This has the potential for you to find beautiful, deep levels of self-acceptance, fully owning who you are.
Your values
Your needs
Your desires
With the opportunity to live truly and unapologetically as yourself.
Here are some of the areas that I have found helpful in this process.
Sincere Inner Work – Deeply exploring your inner world with the intention of looking at all of the areas where you feel shame and guilt or are blaming others and feeling powerless over.
You can use this as an opportunity to embrace your inner child and the disowned parts of yourself that you have hidden away for fear of what others might think.
As you integrate them and become whole, you will be amazed at how your life evolves.
An example from my life took place a couple of years ago when I developed digestive issues (GERD) and associated breathing difficulties.
When I explored what this meant, I found that I had been “swallowing down” lots of little disagreements which I felt weren’t big enough to express, for fear of how others would respond.
Small ways in which my boundaries were being (unknowingly) violated.
From that point I could see how these little morsels had built up to become little pieces of anger and resentment that I couldn’t stomach any more.
So I made a decision to express these disagreements, as and when required.
As well as letting go of feeling guilt or holding onto blame of others, I found that this made communication better in my relationships with others, rather than causing upset, which was what I had feared.
To get to this point, I used EFT Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting to explore the fears and guilt that I felt around doing this.
These processes enable you to release emotional attachments and limiting beliefs around old events. You can even change your beliefs about what is possible.
As well as deepening and improving my relationships with others, I also cultivated inner peace and healed the symptoms.
You can download my video series and learn how to use Tapping For Self-Help here. I’m currently offering this course at no cost!
Stepping Out of Victim Consciousness and becoming Responsible
There are, of course, times when other people or situations outside of ourselves are responsible for causing us harm or loss.
However, it is far more empowering if you are able to take charge of your response to what has happened. You can choose to create your own outcomes, to the greatest capacity available to you.
Notice when you are shifting to feeling or acting defensively or blaming outside circumstances in your life.
Becoming aware of this is a great start. Then you can explore what else could be possible for you in that situation.
Maybe to can take steps to improve things. Or, you can explore the feelings of blame and defensiveness and change the patterns in your life. Again, EFT is great for this.
And, it is also empowering to fully accept your role in other people’s troubles. Taking responsibility by giving a heartfelt apology when appropriate can also bring you a new sense of peace and lightness.
Getting Clear on Who You Are and the Life that You Want!
As you start clearing the effects of blame, shame and guilt from your life, you will start to notice that the old, conditioned ways that you have been living, possibly including your objectives and intentions for your life start to fall away.
This can be a confusing time, as you question what you do actually desire in your life. The great thing about this is that confusion is a creative state and at some point, you will come out of it with a possible answer.
The best way that I know to approach your questions about what you want to have, do and be in life is to:
Explore your personal values and needs – Getting clear on what really makes you tick is the foundational step for living life on your terms. Your highest values are the states of being that are most fulfilling to you.
Once you know what they are, you can use your values to guide your actions and goals in life, by checking whether they will move you towards or away from a more aligned life.
Your values may change as your life evolves, so it’s great to check in with this every now and then.
Creating a true vision for your life – Once you know what your important values are, you can build a compelling and exciting vision for your life, aligned with who you are. You can tune into this whenever you need inspiration and energy to keep moving along your path.
Choosing Outcomes and Goals For You – Once you are aligned with your values and vision, you can create real, meaningful goals for your life. You will know they are right for you, when they completely resonate, rather than just being the conditioned “shoulds” of society, your family story etc.
It may be that some of your goals do align with society and your family story. That’s great. There’s no need to rebel just for the sake of it, but you will know that the goals are yours because they align with you.
These are important steps for you to release yourself from the toxic effects of blame, shame and guilt in your life.
While it isn’t going to happen all at once, it is a richly rewarding journey and each small step you take has the potential to make things better for you.
And, it isn’t just a gift to you, your living more authentically and freeing yourself from the impact of these states will influence others.
You could be playing your part in building a more compassionate and loving world.
If you are ready to explore and resolve how blame, shame and guilt are affecting your life, get in touch to book a free Conscious Discovery Call here.
Clearing these patterns in my life has been some of the most liberating work I’ve ever done – absolutely life changing in my relationships, my career and my overall happiness and love of life.
I’d love you to have that too!
Original artwork by Lunita Loca. Check her out at – https://linktr.ee/lunitaloca